Passages

My dad was a “jack of all trades” and he mastered a lot of them. He was always interested in music and played a number of instruments - harmonica, auto-harp, uke, dulcimer and banjo. I don’t know where he learned to play most of them, but I know he took banjo lessons at some point. He learned to play some tunes well enough to entertain guests, but I didn’t see him playing on it much in his later years.

Mom let me have his banjo and I’m trying to teach myself how to play. Unlike the uke, which he taught me to plunk, the banjo, as I’m learning, takes a lot more coordination. Left and right hand movements - whew!

I found an on-line series to get me going and have started to learn Cripple Creek. Seems like that’s a typical beginners tune. After plunking at it for few days I found myself watching my picking (right) hand a lot. I was having a hard time with the fret fingering on the left hand and just happened to start watching it instead of the right. Wow! My fingers mostly found their way and the cording was easier.

I’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s easier to play and watch the neck than watch the fingers.

It’ll be my last entry on this particular thread because Dad passed away on December 15th while I was in transit to Johnson City, TN. Mom called to say that he had taken a bad turn and that although it was unclear what his prognosis was, it probably wasn’t long.

I made reservations Sunday evening December 14th, left Manchester, NH Monday morning 6:05 AM. He died around 6:30 AM while I was in route to Charlotte, NC. I didn’t learn of his death until I arrived in Johnson City, TN at around 11:30 AM. I’m always the last to know.

I’m glad I’m here with Mom to help her through the arrangements, provide support (and take some, after all big boys still need their moms) and be here so she’s not alone right now. On my side, I miss him so much - more than I ever expected that I would. As long as I have something to occupy my thoughts and actions I can get buy. It’s in the still of the activity and mind that overwhelming sadness grips me. The void will become manageable and less raw with the passage of time and events, but it’ll always be a void.

I don’t regret not being here when he died. I certainly would have like to tell him I loved him one last time and just sit with him and put my hand is his, but I have no regrets about unanswered questions, unmet expectations, or unfulfilled obligations. I just don’t get to ask any more questions now.

He lived a good life to the fullest, loved my mother for 49 wonderful years, raised me and my brother, and enjoyed his 3 grandsons and granddaughter. He enjoyed life. He was fond of this saying attributed to Bill McKenna:

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming — WOW– What a Ride!

That’s my Dad, Larry Earl Axsom, and how I’ll always remember him. If you had a chance to meet him, I hope he left you with that impression too.

This past week has been a really down cycle for Dad. A side effect of the liver treatment is loss of appetite and he has it in full bloom. They are tube feeding him now, but that has its own problems as the nutrition is not going where it’s needed and he’s ballooning with fluid. He’s in a lot of pain and discomfort. They’ve asked mom to talk to Hospice which means he probably has less than 6 months and probably more like weeks.

Reading between the lines a bit they are talking about “next week” and some other time frames that would seem to point to a period around Christmas. If he can make it until after Christmas, I’m going down and use some of my vacation to be with him. If not, I’ll go down before.

Perhaps a ray of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week of reports on Dad’s condition. After yet another night for Dad of restless sleep, low blood pressure and a racing heart, it appears his vital signs are headed in the right direction. Mom called to say that he was sleeping, that his pressure was up and his heart rate down!!

I don’t know if something they gave him finally took hold, his body corrected itself or a prayer was answered, but they didn’t have to shock him back in rhythm. The nurses say he’s sleeping like a log. Be nice to see him on a positive road to recovery after such an ordeal. We all though the last one was going to be the worst. Won’t be thinking that again.

The Dr put off Dad’s second treatment for a week to allow Dad’s body a bit more recovery time. During that interval we made the trip south to be with him, Mom and my brother for Thanksgiving. I’m glad we had that week with him now, since Tuesday’s treatment is taking its toll.

He’s not recovering well and in fact is having cardio trouble. His blood pressure is extremely low, his breathing is shallow and his heart is racing at times. Mom updated me yesterday (Wednesday) on his heart problems and then again this AM letting me know that he had not improved and was in fact worse.

Just one day at a time, one day…

Dad had his 1st liver cancer treatment on Monday (11/10). Perhaps due to the expectations set by the Dr, the aftermath was a bit more complicated than anticipated. Mom certainly was a bit taken aback by Dad’s resulting nausa/sickness and pain. He stayed in the hospital over night through the 11th, which was a day longer than anticipated. That said, I’m hopeful that the lessons and expectations from this treatment will help everyone be better prepared for the next one. I should be down there for that one as it occurs the Monday prior to Thanksgiving and I’ll be down there with my family. My brother will be flying in from Florida to be there too.

For me, I was totally unprepared from an expectations standpoint that he would be using a walker at home. I don’t know if that’s from weakness or from the treatment, since they go in through the groin area. I suspect it’s a combination, but probably more the latter. Still, realizing that Dad needs an assist to do something that I’ve watched him do all his lfe, be moble, is a bit jarring. I don’t expect it to be something that’ll last but I imagine it’ll reoccur with the conclusion of treatment. It’ll be interesting to see if he’s able to do without it before the next treatment date.

One of my favorite days in the political calender is the first Monday in October, the day the Supreme Court opens a new term. Outside of that, the first Tuesday following the first Monday runs a close second - Election day.

Americans’ get to peacefully (I didn’t say non-contentiously) elect people to represent them. This election cycle has been particularly long and at times acrimonious, but here we are today electing a new “team” to lead us in the next executive and legislative cycle. I’m hopeful at the prospects of some new dialog, but realistic enough to understand that it won’t happen over-night and even that it may not happen this cycle or perhaps my lifetime.

My election day was made more special because I took my 19 year old to register and vote in his first election and talk to him about freedom of choice, voting your conscience, beliefs and values along with recalling the sacrafices of men and women who protected and defended that right.

That we as Americans can peacefully and without repercussions select our leaders and transition authority is something to be extremely proud of.

I’ll give Richard Sprague from Microsoft credit for guts on this one. He predicted in this post and a later one that Apple wouldn’t come close to making their iPhone goal when Apple launched the device. He invited users to come back later and check in. Evidently he has a few followers since a lot of his readers returned to point out, with his encouragement, what he got wrong and why Apple hit its marks!

He pretty much got it all wrong. However, the biggest thing he missed was the iPhone’s appeal beyond the Mac faithful. I know lots of Windows users that are sold on their iPhones and they still use Windows. Perhaps there will be a “halo effect” here but even if there isn’t I think Apple did a damn good job in their opening year+ becoming the number 3 phone maker.

Perhaps people will stop settling for “good enough” and start demanding better technology products including operating systems and computers.

Dad got to go home on Saturday - Huzzah! I talked to him briefly before he was discharged and he sounded much better than when I talked to him earlier in the week. Including the stint procedure, a pretty good chunk of the fall has been spent in and around the hospital. I’m sure he’s looking forward to having some home cooked meals in a setting that’s more relaxing. Hopefully he’ll start to regain some of that lost strength.

On the diagnosis side, he and his Dr’s are up against hepatocellular cancer or primary liver cancer not metastatic. It’s more rare in while males evidently and although it can spontaneously occur, it likely that he got it through tainted blood - past surgeries, etc. Got me thinking about donating my own blood if I ever have to have elective surgery. Looks like they’ll wait about 3 weeks or so for him to recover a bit and then start a hepatic artery embolization treatment schedule - 4 treatments spread out over 8 weeks. Assuming he starts around Nov 10th, he should be done with the inital treatment schedule sometime in the 2nd or 3rd week of January. Seems like a longish time for something urgent.

Hopefully Mom can get some rest as well now that Dad’s home - all that traveling back and forth to JC, not to mention being at home by herself couldn’t have been good on her physical and emotional well being. Still thinking about going home for Thanksgiving.

Current news on my Dad is the PET/CT scan came back clean.. but the mass on the liver is cancer and according to mom it’s “all over” the place. Not good.

I never really consciously though about how I would handle news like that and after thinking about it I don’t know that one can ever be truely prepared for news about the frailty of life. I’ve cried - held off as long as I could. Weeping would be a better word since I can’t bring myself to just let it all hang out, at least right now.

Granted, there’s not an official treatment schedule or prognosis yet, but from the reading I’ve done it doesn’t bode well in the near term. He could be in this plane for a number of years yet, or just a few months and I don’t mean to sound pessimistic about the approach of the end game, but as I said you’re never prepared for the news.

Mom is my other worry. She’s 45 - 60 minutes from the Johnson City hospital and the driving back and forth is going to add to the emotional toll and strain she’s under. She needs to keep her strength up. On the other hand she’s been through this 4 times with her parents and also with dad’s. It’ll be different but she’s got her strengths about her from a variety of angles.

I’ve got to think about going down to visit soon for a number of days if for nothing else to give mom some rest from the schedule she’s keeping. It’s 18+ hours down so if I’m going down I’ll stay for a bit. Flights are out of the question. Simply too expensive to fly into JC or K-Town or anywhere close. Perhaps a train..

UPDATE: Flying from Albany, NY to Tri-Cities on Delta and US Air is reasonable. Only 2.5 hrs to Albany from where I live. Like driving to Boston only with less traffic.